(High-speed) cruisin' for a bruisin'

"'It's the most successful attraction at Navy Pier in Chicago, and we expect that it will be very successful in Baltimore,' he said."

Yeah, and Chicago sits on Lake Michigan, a big-ass, open body of water...

[Source: "High speed cruises coming to city", by Edward Gunts, The Baltimore Sun, March 26, 2010.]

Affair between Nelson Algren and Simone de Beauvoir subject of forthcoming biopic

Word is that Johnny Depp and his partner Vanessa Paradis have been cast to play Man with the Golden Arm author Nelson Algren and French feminist writer Simone de Beauvoir, respectively, in the upcoming film My American Lover. More details here.

Eight-Stone Press at the BMA this Saturday!

BALTIMORE, Md. - Smile, Hon, You're in Baltimore! Editor William P. Tandy mans the Eight-Stone Press table from 11:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. this Saturday, March 27, 2010, in the Baltimore Museum of Art’s Fox Court, as part of the DIY Marketplace component of the Baltimore Fair for Contemporary Prints & New Editions. Pick up the latest issue in the series, the raunchy Smile, Hon, You're in Flagrante!, back issues, Smile, Hon t-shirts and more! Other local print/publishing forces on hand will include Leeking Inc. (zine-review zine Xerography Debt, horror zine Rigor Mortis); Atomic Books; Ben Claassen III; Closed Captioned Comics; Narrow House; Red Emma's; Shattered Wig Press; Squidfire; The Holster; Jordan Jeffries and Gary Kachadourian.

From the harbor to the hills, the award-winning Smile, Hon, You're in Baltimore! collects the tales of those on whom Mobtown has left her indelible mark. Polished, professional essays; barroom sermons delivered from the sanctity of a favorite stool; the poet's fleeting sentiment, captured in both word and snapshot – Smile, Hon offers a slice of Baltimore as told by Baltimore, presented with the time-honored DIY accessibility of a limited-run, handcrafted zine. A two-time Utne Independent Press Award nominee, Smile, Hon has also been dubbed "Best Zine" by Baltimore Magazine (2008) and Baltimore City Paper (2004). For more information, e-mail wpt@eightstonepress.com.

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Yankee Doodle

Yesterday, retired U.S. General John Sheehan suggested to the Senate that a massacre of Muslims in Srebrenica in 1995 wouldn't have necessarily happened had the Dutch military not been, well, gay.

A lot of folks are taking issue with his statements, and rightfully so...but the word around the locker room is that Sheehan still hasn't come to terms with his youthful indiscretions with Alexander the Great. Besides, if the failure of military campaigns comes down to sexual orientation, it's no wonder that Custer and his Seventh Cavalry shopped at the Little Bighorn.

ATTN: Baltimore/Orioles/Baseball/Photography Fans

This morning, veteran Mobtown writer (and Smile, Hon, You're in Baltimore! contributor) Rafael Alvarez sent the following call for photo submissions:

In the spirit of Mr. Leroy Merriken, the Sunpapers photographer who shot every O’s season opener for nearly 70 years, Welcome To Baltimore, Hon! is launching a season-long baseball project in which a different photograph of Oriole Park at Camden Yards will be taken every day–rain or shine, game or no game, home or away–and posted on its Web site.

The key to the idea’s success is getting as many people involved as possible: kids, amateurs, apprentices, professionals (Kristine Buls and Jennifer Bishop are already on board); heck, even my mother, a bleeding orange O’s fan still getting over the release of Melvin "Smiley" Mora.

We are aiming for six months of pictures of Camden Yards, one a day from April 1 through as deep into October as the Birds are able to go. Different shooters, different perspectives, same pile of bricks. Each morning, the photo from the day before will be on view at Welcome To Baltimore, Hon!

Every photo will be a hotlink to the Web site of the photographer’s choice. Thus, if you are a professional chef who happens to love photography, baseball, or both, double-clicking on your Camden pic will take a reader to your restaurant’s web site. And so on.

In the end, we will have a true "Baltimore family album" of more than 180 sequential photographs of one of the most cherished dots on the Baltimore map: inside the stadium, outside, and around. From hot dogs to the homeless; players to party girls.

If you are a true student of the game, take a shot of someone coming in high to break up a double play. If architecture is your bag, the green girders may wind up in print. We are sure to get portraits of more than a few babies–cute and not-so cute–in Oriole onesies.

Beyond this, the project is sure to take on a life of its own.

All contributors must sign a release to allow Welcome To Baltimore, Hon! to use their work, and two or three high resolution shots must be emailed the same day they are taken to camden@welcometobaltimorehon.com.

The month of April is already spoken for and May is filling up fast.

So say cheese, hon, and play ball...


[Photo: Bruce Goldfarb]

Fisherman's Friends receive contract to record sea shanties album for Universal Music

A group of Cornish fishermen has signed a £1m pound recording contract to become the first group ever to release sea shanties on a major label...

[Source: "Sea shanty sailors net major recording deal", BBC News, March 18, 2010.]

Greener on the other side

Out from many a mud-walled cabin eyes were watching through the night / Many a man, his heart was beating for the blessed morning light... - "The Rising of the Moon" (trad.)


I'm not really sure what to make of this strange, alternate universe in which one kicks off St. Patrick's Day with a renewed prescription for antidepressants...

For the record, I do not recommend crossing two gallons of Guinness with a double dose of Wellbutrin. You will experience black-out periods from which you will not recall a thing...and not because you were necessarily passed out. Accountability, folks. However, here are a few images of what I can recall of the 2010 Baltimore St. Patrick's Day Parade, held Sunday, March 14, before All Went Dark:

Baltimore Mayor Stephanie MacRawlings-MacBlake:



The Georgia State Patrol (who, I'm guessing, were probably in town testifying, or maybe serving a warrant):



One of my favorite aspects of the St. Patrick's Day Parade, however, is its unpredictability; unlike parades associated with other holidays, like Thanksgiving or the Fourth of July, you never really know what will come creeping down Charles Street next (or how you will get back to the year 1985):



Beyond a smattering of smartphone pix, however, I have little else to jog the memory than the contents of my backpack the next morning (which I've come to think of as the Shane MacGowan Starter Kit):



Perhaps next year I will march alongside those who distribute things like shamrock decals and green plastic titty-beads, casting teeth into the unsuspecting throngs of beer-swilling grannies, Ancient Hibernians and green-lipped douchebags...

Katie Couric does anal

I honestly can't fathom how CBS Evening News anchor Katie Couric can look at herself in the mirror when the first five minutes of last night's broadcast blathered on about Tiger Woods and his purported return to golf. Walter Cronkite must be rolling in his grave. Ah, well - when the apocalypse comes down upon us, Couric will have to answer to Zombie-Cronkite...though I can't imagine the outcome of that encounter being any less pleasant than this:

THE FLESHTONES - "I've Gotta Change My Life"

Future uncertain for Dewey's flagship

Commissioned in 1895, the [U.S.S. Olympia], with a top speed of 21.7 knots, became the flagship of the Asiatic Squadron, and on May 1, 1898, led the squadron into Manila Bay. Standing on the bridge in the early morning light, Dewey turned to the Olympia's commander, Capt. Charles V. Gridley, and famously said, "You may fire when you are ready, Gridley..."

Now, the Olympia, the only surviving warship afloat from the Spanish-American War and a major national historic treasure, is sailing into an uncertain future. After having spent more than $5.3 million trying to keep the vessel afloat, its current owners are looking for a new steward or stewards who have the estimated $30 million to $40 million dollars needed to make the Olympia shipshape....

[From the article "Two ships at risk of not staying afloat," by Frederick N. Rasmussen, The Baltimore Sun, March 14, 2010.]

Leprechaun Macht Frei

In those post-high school days, the nearest movie theater to our small South Jersey burg was a multiplex 30 minutes up the Garden State Parkway, in Toms River. And on this particular occasion, my friend Jared and I had made the trek after resolving to finally see Schindler’s List, director Steven Spielberg's Holocaust opus that had recently swept the Oscars. But once there, neither of us could reconcile the distance driven with the depressive state in which the film would no doubt leave us...

And so, at the last minute, rather than Schindler's List, we walked into the theater screening Leprechaun 2. And we went home laughing at perhaps the most hilariously inconsistent nude body-double in the history of cinema.

Years later, at a horror convention in downtown Baltimore, I told this story to Leprechaun star Warwick Davis, who laughed uncontrollably at the thought of us having blown off the Academy Award-winner in favor of a bloodthirsty dwarf...

THE CRAMPS - "People Ain't No Good"

People don't like me, either
Why, I sure don't know
But even a jerk like you can see
It's obviously so...

- THE CRAMPS

"All kinds of sex. All kinds of Baltimore."

The raunchy Smile, Hon, You're in Flagrante! - the latest issue in the Smile, Hon, You're in Baltimore! series from Eight-Stone Press - garnered a nice (if inexplicable) mention on the Urban Outfitters blog.

Twisting in the Wind

The prosecutors are not experts in the care and storage of fine furs. And so, they deferred to the staff at Mano Swartz, who advised keeping the coats in a cool, dry place. The investigators hung them in the computer room of their Towson office.

For a year and a half, the furs dangled from a beam next to the whirring computer mainframe, occasionally giving investigator Drayton Peterson a jolt.

"You'd walk in there and the furs were always twisting in the wind," said Peterson, the office's resident technology expert.

[From the article "Dixon's coats go on sale online," by Julie Scharper, The Baltimore Sun, March 11, 2010.]

And now, back to the music. This next one goes out to the State Prosecutor's Office - "Twisting" by They Might Giants...

Shane MacGowan, et al, release charity single for Haiti

Shane MacGowan & friends have issued a charity single - a cover of Screamin' Jay Hawkins' hit "I Put a Spell on You" - to benefit survivors of the devastating earthquake in Haiti (100 percent of all proceeds will be donated)...

While you're at it, here's the classic version by Creedence Clearwater Revival:



And Nina Simone's:



And, of course, the original (and best):

Benefit for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society of Maryland Tonight!

Hola, Y’all – The event listed below has been organized by my oncologist, Dr. Stanley Walker, and the Oncology Center of Central Baltimore to benefit the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. Thanks! – WPT

***

Help support the Oncology Center of Central Baltimore’s Dr. Stanley Walker in his ongoing bid for the title of the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society’s (LLS) "Man of the Year" at the Guest Bartender Benefit beginning at 7:00 p.m. tonight, Wednesday, March 10, 2010, at the Mt. Washington Tavern, 5700 Newbury Street, Baltimore, Maryland 21209. Special guests Detour Dave Sandler (WBAL) and Michael Filippelli (100.7-FM "The Bay") tend bar, and the evening will include a silent auction of sports memorabilia from the likes of Johnny Unitas, Ray Lewis, Cal Ripken, Jr., Brooks Robinson, Todd Heap and more, as well as raffle items all night.

The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society is the world's largest voluntary health organization dedicated to funding blood cancer research, education and patient services. LLS's mission: Cure leukemia, lymphoma, Hodgkin's disease and myeloma, and improve the quality of life of patients and their families. Since the first funding in 1954, LLS has awarded more than $680 million in research funding. Learn more about LLS online at http://www.lls.org/hm_lls.

"It's our most modestly-priced receptacle..."

One day, as my wife and I were driving in the vicinity of North Avenue, I spied a coffin propped on end against a weary old brick building. A hand-painted sign advertised: "$400, or best offer."

Rather excitedly, I pointed it out to the Mrs., who knew full well that such a find should not go undocumented in the pages of Smile, Hon, You’re in Baltimore!.

"I know, I know," she laughed, "you wish you'd brought your camera."

"Fuck that," I grumbled. "I wish I had $400."

Out in 18 Months with Good Behavior

[Photograph by William P. Tandy]

Gay Old Party

Who'd have thought the Republicans would one day show themselves to be the party of closeted homosexuals obsessed with self-grooming?

Own a Piece of Baltimore History

That's right, folks - this is your opportunity to own a little piece of Charm City history, courtesy of the Maryland State Prosecutor's Office:

This Xbox was submitted as evidence at the trial of former Baltimore Mayor Sheila Dixon. This item has been surrendered to the Maryland State Prosecutors Office pursuant to the plea agreement. All proceeds from this sale will go to Youthworks of Baltimore. This item was originally taken from the residence of the former mayor in June 2008.

This xbox is USED, and seems to be in great condition. It includes one controller and the Need for Speed Carbon disc. This item is sold as is with no warranty. Buyer is to pay all shipping.

But hurry - there are only eight days and change left to bid...

CALL FOR SUBMISSIONS: The B-More Erotic Performance Arts Series

BALTIMORE, Md. - Are you a performance or multimedia artist with a decidedly sensual/sexual flavor to your work? An erotic performance poet or sexy spoken word artist? A vocalist whose songs are about love and lust? A musician or band with music that "sets the mood"? Someone with incredible stage presence and something insightful/amusing/provocative to say about sex? Are you a carnal comedian? A decadent dancer? A juicy juggler? If so, the B-More Erotic Performance Arts Series wants your submissions on "Sex/Life" for its upcoming show on April 23, 2010, at the Hamilton Arts Theater, 5440 Harford Road, Baltimore, MD 21214.

Submissions should be sent to Julie@poetryinbaltimore.com and include the following:
* complete contact information, including telephone number and e-mail
* a bio (including any pertinent Internet links)
* a picture
* a summary of your act (500 words maximum). Please include which show you are submitting for
* how your performance relates the show’s theme
* the number of people in your act
* additional equipment and props you may require (for musicians and other acts requiring more than access to a microphone, you must include your tech needs here)

Artists selected to perform will receive compensation based on the ticket sales of each show.

Launched in February 2010, the B-More Erotic Performance Arts Series presents thought-provoking, playful and cutting-edge entertainment on the last Friday of every other month at the Hamilton Arts Theater. This year’s remaining performances will include dates in June, August, October and December. Find your boundaries of adult-themed entertainment with taste and discernment. For more information, contact Julie@poetryinbaltimore.com.

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"How to Save $148 On an iPod Touch"

[Source: Gizmodo.com. Thanks to The Hungover Gourmet for the tip!]

How it's done

"'I Put A Spell On You' is so uplifting, so energetic," [Victoria Mary] Clarke says. "We wanted to release something that would be worth buying in its own right, and not just for a very good cause. We're not saying that you shouldn't buy the [Simon] Cowell single - just don't listen to it."

[From the article "I'll show Simon Cowell how to do a real charity single", by John Meagher, The Irish Independent, March 4, 2010. Photo: Ronan Lang. From left to right: Cait O'Riordan, Shane MacGowan, Victoria Mary Clarke.]

Bastard Out of Carolina

Then again, most Southern Republicans would probably be in favor of replacing U.S. Grant's image on the $50 bill with a sack of boiled peanuts...

SMILE, HON Goes to Waste!

BALTIMORE, Md. – From the bathroom to the boardroom, local literary zine Smile, Hon, You're in Baltimore! seeks your waste-related stories, essays, poetry, photography and other artwork for an upcoming special "theme" issue!

Potential topics might include, but are not limited to, biological, fiscal or environmental waste, waste-handling or wasted potential. Creative non-fiction is preferred, though all submissions will be considered. Articles (100 – 2,000 words) are preferably received via e-mail (wpt@eightstonepress.com) as attached Word documents. Image files should be approximately 5" x 7", 300+ dpi (.JPG or .TIF format). All contributors will receive a byline/artist credit for their work as well as two (2) complimentary copies of the issue in which their work appears. The deadline for submissions is Thursday, April 15, 2010.

This latest call for submissions from Baltimore-based imprint Eight-Stone Press (ESP) comes hot on the heels of the February 2010 release of Smile, Hon, You're in Flagrante!, an adults-only collection of sex-centered writing, poetry, photography and other artwork. Other previous theme issues of Smile, Hon have tackled such topics as rats, scars, crime, tattoos, transit and the supernatural.

From the harbor to the hills, the award-winning Smile, Hon, You're in Baltimore! collects the tales of those on whom Mobtown has left her indelible mark. Polished, professional essays; barroom sermons delivered from the sanctity of a favorite stool; the poet's fleeting sentiment, captured in both word and snapshot – Smile, Hon offers a slice of Baltimore as told by Baltimore, presented with the time-honored DIY accessibility of a limited-run, handcrafted zine. A two-time Utne Independent Press Award nominee, Smile, Hon has also been dubbed "Best Zine" by Baltimore Magazine (2008) and Baltimore City Paper (2004).

An Eight-Stone Press production, Smile, Hon, You're in Baltimore! is distributed by Atomic Books (Baltimore, MD); Cyclops Books & Music (Baltimore, MD); Microcosm Publishing (Bloomington, IN, and Portland, OR); Quimby's (Chicago, IL) and Red Emma's Bookstore Coffeehouse (Baltimore, MD). For more information, contact:

William P. Tandy, Editor
Eight-Stone Press
P.O. Box 11064
Baltimore, Maryland 21212
E-mail: Wpt@eightstonepress.com
Website: http://www.eightstonepress.com
MySpace: http://www.myspace.com/eightstonepress
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/wptandy
Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/eightstonepress


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Guest bartender benefit for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society tonight!

Hola, Y’all – The events below have been organized by my oncologist, Dr. Stanley Walker, and the Oncology Center of Central Baltimore to benefit the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. Thanks! – WPT

***

Help support the Oncology Center of Central Baltimore’s Dr. Stanley Walker in his ongoing bid for the title of the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society’s (LLS) "Man of the Year" at the Guest Bartender Benefit beginning at 7:00 p.m. tonight, Monday, March 1, 2010, at Padonia Station, 63 East Padonia Road, Timonium, Maryland 21093. Join host Adam Walker for a night of trivia, raffles, good food and drink. LLS will receive 15 percent of all sales. Bring your friends and neighbors, too!

The fun for a good cause continues next week when special guests Detour Dave Sandler (WBAL) and Michael Filippelli (100.7-FM "The Bay") tend bar beginning at 7:00 p.m., Wednesday, March 10, 2010, at the Mt. Washington Tavern, 5700 Newbury Street, Baltimore, Maryland 21209. The evening will include a silent auction of sports memorabilia from the likes of Johnny Unitas, Ray Lewis, Cal Ripken, Jr., Brooks Robinson, Todd Heap and more, as well as raffle items all night.

The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society is the world's largest voluntary health organization dedicated to funding blood cancer research, education and patient services. LLS's mission: Cure leukemia, lymphoma, Hodgkin's disease and myeloma, and improve the quality of life of patients and their families. Since the first funding in 1954, LLS has awarded more than $680 million in research funding. Learn more about LLS online at http://www.lls.org/hm_lls.

NEIL INNES - "Protest Song"