Do it too much and, sure enough, you'll go blind...

I'm probably jinxing myself when I say I've finally finished proofing all of the submissions to the forthcoming Smile, Hon, You're in Baltimore! sex issue. No sooner I post this and I'll probably discover a fresh cache of your first-hand smut.

Here are just a tiny handful of gems unearthed in the process:

"Meanwhile, her friend had decided to sit on my face and was getting off, like, all over the place. I didn’t even know what female ejaculation was at the time, but I didn't argue..."

"So, kids, the next time you pleasure yourself to a nice DVD or download some porn in a half-second, think of us old-schoolers who used to steal magazines from the local quickie mart and rub one out in the woods. You have no idea how lucky you are...."

"For an instant, he considered that she might have a sexual-addiction problem, or a venereal disease..."

"Some girls like to give head. I like to give foot..."