THE STRANGERS - "Castle Mood"

"First 3-D Porn" planned

Caligula director Tinto Brass, has announced plans to make the world's first 3D pornographic film, according to the Hollywood Reporter...

SERGE GAINSBOURG focus of new biopic

The life and death of a French cultural hero have been recreated in a new biopic based on the brilliant but doomed musician Serge Gainsbourg...

THE BLOODHOUND GANG - "The Bad Touch"

SCREAMIN' JAY HAWKINS - "I Put a Spell on You"

"Shane MacGowan, Nick Cave and Johnny Depp team up for Haiti single"

Nick Cave, Johnny Depp and Primal Scream's Bobby Gillespie are among those reportedly roped-in for a new charity single led by Shane MacGowan. The Pogues frontman is assembling a gang of pals to record a cover of "I Put a Spell On You", raising money for the Haiti earthquake relief...

The Windows to the Soul

Lawrence Tierney in Dillinger (1945).

Cross-Examined by a 3-Year-Old

BOY: "Look, Da Da, Mr. Sun is out!"

FATHER: "You're right, kiddo - pretty cool, huh?"

BOY: "What?"

FATHER: "I said that's pretty cool."

BOY: "Da Da, Mr. Sun isn't cool. Mr. Sun is hot."

FATHER: "Yes, well - you're right, kiddo. Mr. Sun is hot."

BOY: "Da Da..."

FATHER: "Yes?"

BOY: "Da Da, you made a mistake."

FATHER: "Yes...yes, I did."

BOY: "It's okay to make mistakes, Da Da."

"I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way...."

One time, a girl in my history class told me that I reminded her of "Baby Face" Finster - or rather, as she put it, "that gangster in the old cartoons who dressed up like a baby so he could sneak into people's houses". I've also been told that I look like a) Morrissey, and b) "a young" Jonathan Winters - by the same person (not the aforementioned girl)...

Needless to say, that individual and I are no longer friends.

Revisionist History

We the Corporations of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America... - THE PREAMBLE OF THE U.S. CONSTITUTION, as it would likely be drafted today by U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts.

Or, if Roberts were to try his hand at the Gettysburg Address:

It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us--that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion--that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain, that this nation under God shall have a new birth of freedom, and that government of the Corporation, by the Corporation, for the Corporation shall not perish from the earth...

Or the Declaration of Independence:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all Corporations are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Higher Office...

(And if you sit very quietly, you can almost hear the sound of William Randolph Hearst's ghost sucking off the Chief Justice...quit staring, you pervert - sheesh!)

So, I left town for a week's vacation...

And completely forgot I was supposed to pick up flowers and booze for my friend Edgar!

You say potato, I say...

The Haitians "were under the heel of the French. You know, Napoleon III and whatever," ["700 Club" host and evangelical Christian Pat] Robertson said on his broadcast Wednesday. "And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, 'We will serve you if you will get us free from the French.' True story. And so, the devil said, 'OK, it's a deal.' "

A Spanish fly on the wall...

Here are a few more diamonds in the rough of Smile, Hon, You're in Baltimore's forthcoming sex issue:

"I'm filleted out of my clothes, my back to the wall..."

"I had a hard time explaining my situation to her. I stumbled around for a bit, until Frank, god bless him, yells out, 'His dick is broke!'..."

"It was glaringly clear that I would never stop feeling embarrassed until my voyeur died..."

"Predictably, we also come up with a safe-word – I usually recommend 'red', as it is short, can be mumbled with a ball-gag in place and tends not to be something one says casually that often in conversation..."

"I thought I'd be able to see it from my house..."

When pressed for comment on Levi Johnston's recent Playgirl pictorial, the former Alaska governor said only, "I expected more from him...like, this much."

Do it too much and, sure enough, you'll go blind...

I'm probably jinxing myself when I say I've finally finished proofing all of the submissions to the forthcoming Smile, Hon, You're in Baltimore! sex issue. No sooner I post this and I'll probably discover a fresh cache of your first-hand smut.

Here are just a tiny handful of gems unearthed in the process:

"Meanwhile, her friend had decided to sit on my face and was getting off, like, all over the place. I didn’t even know what female ejaculation was at the time, but I didn't argue..."

"So, kids, the next time you pleasure yourself to a nice DVD or download some porn in a half-second, think of us old-schoolers who used to steal magazines from the local quickie mart and rub one out in the woods. You have no idea how lucky you are...."

"For an instant, he considered that she might have a sexual-addiction problem, or a venereal disease..."

"Some girls like to give head. I like to give foot..."

The Baltimore "Literary Scene"...

Working hard to garnish Charm City with favorable coverage in the national media, so that City Hall doesn't have to.

CHICHA LIBRE - "Popcorn Andino"

I'm of a mind...

...to export 'em all to Microsoft Publisher and let God sort 'em out.

Baby!

I'd like to take a moment and thank everyone who submitted their perversions, kinks and desires (or lack thereof) for inclusion in the forthcoming Smile, Hon sex issue. They are so abundant that there stands a good chance of this being published as two (simultaneous) volumes. But more on that later. In the meantime, as Jason Hawes might say, "we're going to take some time to review all the evidence; in the meantime, get some sleep."

I'd also like to thank The Baltimore Sun's Nancy Johnston Knight for giving a last-minute shout-out on The Sun's "Read Street" blog. Nancy, if you're listening, I want you to know just how much I cherish being a part of what might very well be the only occasion on which any manifestation ofThe Baltimore Sun has published the line, "We're not looking for Penthouse's sloppy seconds here." And, by that same token, the following, which turned up as Google's top hit during a blog search for "smile hon" baltimore early this morning:

CumNFind News » Blog Archive » "Smile, Hon" wants your sex stories ...
23 hours ago by admin
"Smile, Hon" wants your sex stories - Baltimore Sun (blog). Posted in Uncategorized by admin. “Smile, Hon” wants your sex stories Baltimore Sun (blog) … “Creative non-fiction is preferred (we're not looking for Penthouse's sloppy ...
CumNFind News - http://www.cumnfind.com/news/


Eat your <censored> out, Mr. Mencken.

T. REX - "Lean Woman Blues"

THE NATION names James McMurtry "Most Valuable Rocker" of 2009

When George W. Bush moved back to Crawford, Texas, the locals organized a Welcome Home Bash for the ex-president featuring a Lone Star band that included drummer Josh Garner. During Secret Service background checks, Garner was asked, "What is your affiliation with James McMurtry?" It happened that Garner had played with McMurtry, the Austin-based rocker whom author Stephen King calls "the truest, fiercest songwriter of his generation" and whose searing songs blistered Bush and Bushism...

[From "MVPs of 2009", The Nation, December 22, 2009.]

I wonder...

...if the curious lack of celebratory gunfire that usually ushers in the new year in my neighborhood suggests that the bad economy has started eating into ammunition sales. Sorry, Mr. Bernanke, but don't piss down my back and tell me it's raining. You might think situations will improve, but the comparatively judicious disbursement of ammunition in my neighborhood says otherwise.

HUEY "PIANO" SMITH & THE CLOWNS - "Don't You Just Know It"

SMILE, HON: Last Call!

BALTIMORE - Literary zine Smile, Hon, You're in Baltimore! is accepting submissions of sex-related stories, essays, poetry, photography and other artwork for a forthcoming special issue through thisTuesday, January 5, 2010. Creative non-fiction is preferred (we're not looking for Penthouse's sloppy seconds here), though all submissions will be considered. Articles (100 – 2,000 words) are preferably received via e-mail (wpt@eightstonepress.com) as attached Word documents. Image files should be approximately 5" x 7", 300+ dpi (.JPG or .TIF format). All contributors will receive a byline/artist credit for their work as well as two (2) complimentary copies of the issue in which their work appears. (Note: Contributors may use their own names, or, for anonymity, adopt a nom de plume, preferably of a raunchy or comical nature, for the purposes of the issue.)

From the harbor to the hills, the award-winning Smile, Hon, You're in Baltimore! collects the tales of those on whom Mobtown has left her indelible mark. Polished, professional essays; barroom sermons delivered from the sanctity of a favorite stool; the poet’s fleeting sentiment, captured in both word and snapshot – Smile, Hon offers a slice of Baltimore as told by Baltimore, presented with the time-honored DIY accessibility of a limited-run, handcrafted zine. A two-time Utne Independent Press Award nominee, Smile, Hon has also been dubbed "Best Zine" by Baltimore Magazine (2008) and Baltimore City Paper (2004). Previous "theme" issues have tackled such topics as rats, scars, crime, tattoos, transit and the supernatural.

An Eight-Stone Press production, Smile, Hon, You're in Baltimore! is distributed by Atomic Books (Baltimore); Cyclops Books & Music (Baltimore); Microcosm Publishing (Bloomington, IN, and Portland, OR); Quimby's (Chicago) and Red Emma's Bookstore Coffeehouse (Baltimore). For more information, contact:

William P. Tandy, Editor
Eight-Stone Press
P.O. Box 11064
Baltimore, Maryland 21212
E-mail: Wpt@eightstonepress.com
Website: http://www.eightstonepress.com
MySpace: http://www.myspace.com/eightstonepress
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/wptandy
Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/eightstonepress


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Get a leg up on the new year...

BALTIMORE - Literary zine Smile, Hon, You're in Baltimore! is accepting submissions of sex-related stories, essays, poetry, photography and other artwork for a forthcoming special issue through Tuesday, January 5, 2010. Creative non-fiction is preferred (we're not looking for Penthouse's sloppy seconds here), though all submissions will be considered. Articles (100 – 2,000 words) are preferably received via e-mail (wpt@eightstonepress.com) as attached Word documents. Image files should be approximately 5" x 7", 300+ dpi (.JPG or .TIF format). All contributors will receive a byline/artist credit for their work as well as two (2) complimentary copies of the issue in which their work appears. (Note: Contributors may use their own names, or, for anonymity, adopt a nom de plume, preferably of a raunchy or comical nature, for the purposes of the issue.)

From the harbor to the hills, the award-winning Smile, Hon, You're in Baltimore! collects the tales of those on whom Mobtown has left her indelible mark. Polished, professional essays; barroom sermons delivered from the sanctity of a favorite stool; the poet’s fleeting sentiment, captured in both word and snapshot – Smile, Hon offers a slice of Baltimore as told by Baltimore, presented with the time-honored DIY accessibility of a limited-run, handcrafted zine. A two-time Utne Independent Press Award nominee, Smile, Hon has also been dubbed "Best Zine" by Baltimore Magazine (2008) and Baltimore City Paper (2004). Previous "theme" issues have tackled such topics as rats, scars, crime, tattoos, transit and the supernatural.

An Eight-Stone Press production, Smile, Hon, You're in Baltimore! is distributed by Atomic Books (Baltimore, MD); City Lights Books (San Francisco, CA); Cyclops Books & Music (Baltimore, MD); Microcosm Publishing (Bloomington, IN, and Portland, OR); Quimby's (Chicago, IL) and Red Emma's Bookstore Coffeehouse (Baltimore, MD). For more information, contact:

William P. Tandy, Editor
Eight-Stone Press
P.O. Box 11064
Baltimore, Maryland 21212
E-mail: Wpt@eightstonepress.com
Website: http://www.eightstonepress.com
MySpace: http://www.myspace.com/eightstonepress
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/wptandy
Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/eightstonepress


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